PAgent’s Progress

It’s that time again. It’s Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s:

Ben & Jerry’s will be handing out free ice cream cones from noon to 8:00 pm. The line will go around the block all day long. In general it’s pretty orderly, except when the B&J employees are actively encouraging the folks in line to shriek “Free Ice Cream!!” Oh, how I hate those employees.

One thing worth noting, I followed the pedicab in the picture up the sidewalk. Yes, he was riding on the sidewalk, which is just wrong for a couple of reasons.

First, the pedicab is terrifically wide, and so it pretty much comes down the sidewalk like a bulldozer. Second, riding on the sidewalk is typically prohibited. But more importantly, I have the generally unpopular opinion that if you want people to acknowledge your right to ride your bicycle in the street, then you have to stay the hell off the sidewalks.

Bah. I’m mostly just being a curmudgeon. Hey, free ice cream!

Let me thank all of you that took the time to comment on the post about “Johnny”, the four-year-old wandering our neighborhood. For those of you that are still curious about the situation, there have been a few new developments.

Although I do not have the cojones to do so, our neighbor across the street took Johnny home the other day and spoke to his mother. Yes, it turns out that the woman we thought was his caregiver was in fact his mother. So with respect to the hope that somehow this was a case of inattention on the part of a lax caregiver, that theory has been shot down.

I was not part of that conversation, and so I cannot say with any certainty exactly what was said therein. What has been passed on to me was that the mother was not particularly concerned about little Johnny’s safety, and didn’t see anything inappropriate about letting him have the run of the neighborhood.

I heard this from my wife on the same day that Johnny and I played a game of chicken on the main street of our neighborhood. He was on his trike, I was in my minivan. He was coming down the middle of the street, and as I approached him head-on in my van, he showed not the slightest reaction. I had to come to a complete stop, and slowly drive around him in order to reach my house.

Since then he’s still been out wandering the neighborhood once or twice. If he’s not playing with the preschool gang that roams our end of the street, then he’s hanging around near the teenage boys that are practicing their skateboard stunts to the accompaniment of thumping music. He left an empty 1-liter bottle of Mountain Dew on our lawn, and I shudder at the thought that he drank the whole thing beforehand.

I feel completely helpless, and this is a stressor that I don’t need right now.

“Grand Theft Auto IV” is slated to be released on April 29th. There are many gamers out there with this date circled on their calendars in bright red marker. I’m sure millions of copies have been pre-ordered, and various gaming communities can expect to see a slump in activity on their websites starting April 30 as countless would-be thugs eagerly explore Liberty City and commit various acts of mayhem.

As for me, this is a non-event. I haven’t played any of the previous incarnations, and almost certainly won’t play this one. Why? I’m not so much into crime games. It’s not so much that I’m taking a moral stand on anything, it’s more a case of there being so many games I’d rather be playing that I don’t see any reason to make the effort.

Nevertheless, my life is and will be affected by GTA, because the GTA franchise is the poster child for everyone who hates violent video games. Just this last week I had an acquaintance get all foamy at the mouth at the prospect of 15-year-olds playing Grand Theft Auto, and did I know that you got points for killing prostitutes? And is that what I think 15-year-olds should be doing?

Well, no. I don’t think 15-year-olds should play GTA. But that’s mostly because Grand Theft Auto has been rated “M” by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB). An M rating means that the game in question includes content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older, and that it “may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content and/or strong language”.

If you don’t want your 15-year-old to play GTA IV, then don’t buy it for them. Don’t let your ex-husband or their grandfather buy it for them. If they get hold of a copy anyway, take it away from them. If they whine and sulk, then take away the XBox. It’s your house, your kid, and your rules. Be a parent.

But please, don’t just insist that violent games should be banned, because there’s a lot of excellent games out there for adults. Not kids.

I don’t understand why society still seems to regard video games as the sole province of the young. Or if not young, then socially stunted individuals that refused to grow up — like me, for example. But this really isn’t the case. These games and game systems are being marketed to, and purchased by, adults.

And why do people get so bent out of shape about violent video games anyway? Frankly I see stuff in R-rated films that I find much more disturbing than what I see in M-rated games: bodies being impaled, heads getting clipped off, young coeds being stalked. And then there’s the fact that I constantly see parents taking very young children into R-rated movies where the poor things have no business being. Where’s the outrage then?

I have faith, however, that this disparity between games and movies will not last long. I’ve noticed lately that I’m much less satisfied with television and movies since I’ve gotten an XBox. Why? Because they’re boring, that’s why. When I’m playing a game, I’m determining the plot, the pacing, the sequence of events. I’m actively involved: brain spinning, neurons firing, fingers twitching. When I’m watching TV, on the other hand, I’m strictly passive. All I can do is sit and watch and frankly, that’s not enough any more.

I can foresee a time when movies become, essentially, games. Instead of watching the detective solve the Thursday night mystery, you would solve it. Instead of watching a concert, you would make the music (Rock Band anyone?). Digital Entertainment will reach a point where everything becomes interactive. At that point we won’t be distinguishing between movies and games anymore — it will all just be content.

And I’m confident that we’ll still have people screaming about content that’s inappropriate for kids.

11. “Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.”

10. “Feel the force!”

9. “Foreplay, cuddling – a Jedi craves not these things.”

8. “Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!”

7. “Do me or do me not – there is no try.”

6. “Early must I rise. Leave now you must!”

5. “You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.”

4. “Happens to every guy sometimes this does.”

3. “When 900 years old you are, Viagra you will need too, hmmmm?”

2. “Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!”

1. “Who’s your Jedi master? WHO’S your Jedi Master?”

Shamelessly horked from Miss Cellania

When we moved into our present neighborhood, there weren’t really any other children for our kids to play with. The old-timers on the cul-de-sac would describe how packs of kids used to roam around the streets, making mischief and being kids, but by then all those kids were in high school, or had already graduated.

Now, seven years later, our kids are the older kids on the block, and there are swarms of little ones roaming around, from house to house. As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, and our little neighborhood is our village. We all keep an eye on the little buggers. We see who is with who, who is further from their house than they should be, and who is riding their bike without a helmet. And none of us is reluctant to call someone’s house and let them know how their little angel is (mis)behaving.

Today we looked out the window to see a little boy playing in our front yard. I didn’t recognize him. The wife told me his family had moved into the rental property up the street. He was alone.

For the sake of convenience, let’s call him “Johnny”. Johnny looked awfully young to be wandering the neighborhood by himself. I went outside myself to watch the kids as they scootered and cycled around in circles, and to keep an eye on Johnny. After a while, I asked him how old he was.

He was four years old.

So, this four-year-old kid is wandering the neighborhood without supervision. He’s driving his little red tricycle down the middle of the street. There’s no WAY his guardian can know where he is or what he is doing. Honestly, I kept waiting for someone to realize he was gone and to come screaming down the street trying to find him.

No one did.

We talked to one of our neighbors, who said that sometimes a caregiver (apparently not his mother) comes down and tells him when it’s time to go home. And that’s what happened later on, more than an hour after we noticed him playing in our yard. A woman walked up and calmly told Johnny it was time to come home.

I hate people who feel compelled to tell others how they should parent their children. You don’t know my children, you don’t know what they need. I do. So I’m hesitant to pass judgment on other parents.

But the kid is FOUR. He has no business wandering around unsupervised. I keep thinking about what could happen to a cute tow-headed four-year-old boy if he attracted the attention of the wrong kind of person. He’d just vanish. They might never find the body.

So part of me wants to report this to Child Protective Services, which would be like tossing a neutron bomb into a Tupperware party. But if I go down there to try and talk to someone, I’ll be shoving my nose in where I don’t belong. At least, I’m fairly sure THEY would think so, and I can predict shields would be up and full power would be routed to the denial generator.

If I do nothing, I don’t think I could live with myself if something happened to him.

So I’m on the horns of a dilemma. It seems to me like a no-win situation. It’s all well and good to say “the welfare of the child comes first”, but how am I entitled to pass judgment? And do I want to stir up this ants nest? And if I did, is there really any reason to believe that things would change?

Your thoughts on this situation would be welcome.

If you have a soft spot for all the classic cereal mascots — you know, Cap’n Crunch, the Trix Rabbit, Count Chocula, etc. — you should probably start reading “The Breakfast of the Gods” a webcomic by Brendan Jones. All you need to do is start. Once you do, you will soon get sucked into the story and the artwork, and the complex mythology of the land of Cerealia. This is amazing stuff.

Book One can be found here.

Book Two can be found here.

Book Three will eventually be found here.