PAgent’s Progress
Real and True Horoscopes
If you’ve read the horoscope in the newspaper, then you know they’re written so vaguely as to apply to everyone and anyone. And so they are completely useless.
Using my incredible astrological insights, I have prepared a horoscope that should actually prove useful to my readers. THIS is the kind of information that mainstream so-called astrologers are trying to hide from you.
Aries
You’ve been having some difficulties at work lately, but it’s all been about personality conflicts. Good news! This month you should go head and tell that person who is making your life miserable exactly what you think of them. Don’t hold back, and get it all off your chest. You’ll get fired, make no mistake, but you were going to get fired anyway. You might as well go out with a bang. Your escort off the premises will be the stuff of legend.
Read entire article.
Batman’s 34 Greatest Tweets
SciFiWire has collected a list of the best tweets from user God_Damn_Batman. Some of my favorites:
Joker’s face: make-up or permanent? Punch Test reveals nothing. Will try Concrete Dragging next.
Two things criminals should know. 1. I assume you don’t have health insurance. 2. I break the most expensive bones first.
I’m not saying these World Cup guys aren’t in shape, I’d just like to see them play in 50lbs of body armor with limited head motion.
See the whole list here.
Sunshine!
I’ve got a short post up at OurPDX commenting on today’s beautiful weather. Click through if you want to read it.
Traffic Signs
It’s always been clear that most people don’t drive like I do. Since the guidelines that I observe while driving seem so absolutely necessary to preserving life and property, I’ve always been at a loss as to why so few people seem to observe them.
After years of observation, I believe I have the answer: Other drivers don’t see the same signs that I do.
I know this sounds a little crazy, but by paying careful attention to what other drivers DO when they see certain signs, I’ve been able to create a few correlations.
Now, I’m only willing to go public with a few of my hypotheses at this time, but I have a great deal of confidence in my analysis for at least these signs.
For example, when I see this sign:
other drivers must be seeing this one instead:
And when I see this sign:
others see this:
And most frustrating, but also the most clearly observed substitution, is that when I see this:
Everybody else must be seeing this:
It’s the only reasonable explanation.
Top 10 Signs That Your Mall Is Using a Bargain Santa
The top ten signs that your mall is using a bargain Santa:
10. He only has three teeth.
9. That white powder on his beard isn’t artificial snow
8. Santa’s little helpers are named “Krystal”, “Bambi”, and “Amber”.
7. He has a teardrop tattoo.
6. He keeps asking the children for spare change.
5. He refers to Santa’s sleigh as “the getaway car”.
4. He keeps wishing the children a Happy Easter.
3. He asks the children for their addresses and whether they have an alarm system “So Santa won’t be surprised on Christmas Eve”.
2. He asks the Mommies to sit on his lap, too.
1. His Santa suit includes a festive GPS ankle bracelet.
Warning
Thanks to the Warning Label Generator
