PAgent’s Progress

Words Are My Favorite Toys

August 3rd, 2005

There’s One in Every Office

Accountant: That’s what happens when you’re a bad-ass biker like me.

Accountant: I tend to favor a multiple chicken chuck: it gives you much more range.

Accountant: It’s a good thing my password for everything is toad, T-O-A-D, it’s the only thing I can remember.

Accountant: My daughter usually has her middle finger up from the time she starts driving ’til the time she’s done.

Accountant: I wonder if the “Golf Cart Cop” feels some class inferiority chills when he drives past real cops.

Accountant: It doesn’t have a poisoned dart or spider or anything in it, right? Ah, never mind, I’ve been reading too many Victorian romance novels.

Accountant: It’s the most popular room in the building, you can lock the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. They need a La-Z-Boy boy in there. Privacy room.

Accountant: You’re really good at giving love to plush animals. I am too, for that matter. They’re almost as good as real animals. Less dirty, you know.

Accountant: Bruce Lee was, is, and always will be the top of the world.

Accountant: You’re going to knit yourself a scarf? Then you’ll look like a “Mos-lom.”

Accountant: When you get old, you have to wear lots of cologne to cover up all of the old-people smells.

Accountant: I see Stephanie more as a “super toddler.”

Accountant: I’m getting bit in the ass by the dog that I feed.

Accountant: This is about love. Love is about doing what I want. I love to give you the shit that I don’t want.

Accountant: When I was little I used to be able to piss like 20 feet! You lose pressure when you get old though.

Accountant: Spatially is spelled just like spatula. Spatulas are good for flipping sausage.

Accountant: Yeah, they opened up my pants like a can of beans.

Accountant: The accounting chicken needs love.

Accountant: I know you listen to Sid Vicious, Eric, but I can’t handle that level of excitement. Besides, he’s dead. That’s what killed him, anyway.

Accountant: I am good-looking enough to be gay.

Accountant: That way all their childbearing duties are finished by the time they’re 18 and they can go off and fight the Irish scum.

Accountant: Kim shoots rubberbands with incredible accuracy. She always hits me, I almost never hit her. Although I did this time. Hey, right in the thorax!

Accountant: …so modern motorcycles are designed so that the seats slope downward. It causes wedgies. So I’m thinking of not wearing panties anymore.

Accountant: The only thing you can do is stick your hand down your pants, but when you pull it out, the glove always stays.

Accountant: I was dressed like a bad-ass. You know, do-rag, sunglasses. I have to intimidate the people around me for my own safety.

Accountant: We had a janitor named Earl. He was a functional alcoholic.

Accountant: My wife and daughter are planning on having me committed so they can spend my inheritance.

Accountant: I wrote a little ditty: “They can’t clean your clock when your glock is unlocked.”

Accountant: Kadhafi: He was a good-looking guy at one point. Until Reagan blew the shit out of his country…it kind of aged him.

Accountant: Soon I’ll control the whole market for rubber bands

Accountant: If I could, I’d wear a dot on my head. I think I’d go for red.

Accountant: You know, children are like dogs.

Accountant: Tell the insurance guy that your husband smokes a lot of dope so you were just checking on it.

Accountant: Blacks can use the N word, Germans can use the K word.

Accountant: Do rubber duckies have something to do with gay people? I stayed at this great hotel in San Francisco once; it was a total sex hotel. They had a Night of Pleasure kit that came with three rubber duckies.

Accountant: If you’re hanging out with people from Nigeria, watch out. People from that country will steal your purse. Where do you think all those spam emails come from?

Accountant: If it’s due, you must accrue.

Accountant: That’s my “inquiring minds want to know” sound. I learned it on the Discovery Channel show When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.

Accountant: My ass hurts so bad, oh my God.

Accountant: When I smell roadkill, I slow down. It’s a rush.

Accountant: No no no, I just took her to the beach, there was no adultery involved. There could have been, but I’m a principled guy.

Accountant: I love this stuff. I put it in the CD changer in my Caddy and park by the lake and turn it way up. It makes me want to drive really fast. Especially the German stuff. It makes me think of murder.

Stolen from Overheard in the Office.

August 2nd, 2005

Escape Velocity

I love video games. Like many gamers, I play to escape reality. I play to leave my high-stress job, my wandering children, and all my other problems behind me. I loved Legend of Zelda: the Wind Waker, and when I finished it in the spring, I immediately picked up Animal Crossing. Although we originally got it for the kids, my wife and I got completely sucked into it. Now that we have accomplished enough within the game that it doesn’t occupy every waking moment of our lives, I realized something very, very important: I miss killing things.

I’m still playing through Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem, which is a pretty creepy game in it’s own right, and really clever in some ways, but the gameplay often leaves me frustrated. I still want to finish it, but I want to play something that’s going to knock my socks off right now.

You see, it’s been a rough week so far, and it’s only Tuesday. Even though I had been planning on getting it later, I decided to go ahead and reward myself tonight: I picked up a copy of Resident Evil 4. I did so with some mixed feelings. I’m not a huge zombie/horror fan, and the screencaps and clips I’ve seen make it very clear that this is going to be a scary game. That’s a drawback. I’m a bit of a weenie. I used to jump out of my skin playing Doom (the original one, with sucky 2-D sprites). But I am looking for an immersive gaming experience, that all-important escape from reality. I’m hoping I get it with RE 4. Not to kick the GameCube, but I have yet to play anything on it that is as completely, adrenaline-soaked and immersive as Halo 2 was on the XBox.

But RE 4 comes highly recommended. Besides garnering accolades across the breadth of the gaming community, it was given a solid thumbs-up from clu at Game Under. Who could ask for a stronger endorsement?

So, hand me my shotgun. I’m gunning for zombies.

August 1st, 2005

A Wider Audience?

I started this blog partly under the influence of peer pressure.

I have been a member of the community over at LinkFilter, and had experimented with keeping an online journal there. My posts there had varied from bad poetry to stream-of-consciousness rambling. But I had enjoyed keeping it. I think some of the things I wrote were pretty good.

So why start a new blog? I still enjoy LinkFilter, and am still a member of that community. But several of the people whose contributions I enjoy had left LinkFilter, to start their own blogs. And the tone of the interactions there had taken a darker, more confrontational turn. It seemed like an opportunity to take a new direction, and to have more control. And all the cool kids were doing it.

Even so, I didn’t think anyone but a few LinkFilter alumni would read this, if they did. I sent an email to a few old friends, in case they were interested in tuning in. But I really believed this would be more of an exercise for my own benefit.

And then tonight, someone I didn’t even know left a comment on one of my blog entries. It freaked me out, a little. Intellectually, I knew that other bloggers could find me, but it didn’t occur to me that any of them actually would. Hrmmm.

I hope this doesn’t affect the writing I intended to do in this space. When I started journaling at LF, I didn’t know anyone there, either. And some of them became terrific online acquaintances. I hope I can keep an open mind and a positive outlook.

And thanks for your attention.