Accountant: That’s what happens when you’re a bad-ass biker like me.

Accountant: I tend to favor a multiple chicken chuck: it gives you much more range.

Accountant: It’s a good thing my password for everything is toad, T-O-A-D, it’s the only thing I can remember.

Accountant: My daughter usually has her middle finger up from the time she starts driving ’til the time she’s done.

Accountant: I wonder if the “Golf Cart Cop” feels some class inferiority chills when he drives past real cops.

Accountant: It doesn’t have a poisoned dart or spider or anything in it, right? Ah, never mind, I’ve been reading too many Victorian romance novels.

Accountant: It’s the most popular room in the building, you can lock the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. They need a La-Z-Boy boy in there. Privacy room.

Accountant: You’re really good at giving love to plush animals. I am too, for that matter. They’re almost as good as real animals. Less dirty, you know.

Accountant: Bruce Lee was, is, and always will be the top of the world.

Accountant: You’re going to knit yourself a scarf? Then you’ll look like a “Mos-lom.”

Accountant: When you get old, you have to wear lots of cologne to cover up all of the old-people smells.

Accountant: I see Stephanie more as a “super toddler.”

Accountant: I’m getting bit in the ass by the dog that I feed.

Accountant: This is about love. Love is about doing what I want. I love to give you the shit that I don’t want.

Accountant: When I was little I used to be able to piss like 20 feet! You lose pressure when you get old though.

Accountant: Spatially is spelled just like spatula. Spatulas are good for flipping sausage.

Accountant: Yeah, they opened up my pants like a can of beans.

Accountant: The accounting chicken needs love.

Accountant: I know you listen to Sid Vicious, Eric, but I can’t handle that level of excitement. Besides, he’s dead. That’s what killed him, anyway.

Accountant: I am good-looking enough to be gay.

Accountant: That way all their childbearing duties are finished by the time they’re 18 and they can go off and fight the Irish scum.

Accountant: Kim shoots rubberbands with incredible accuracy. She always hits me, I almost never hit her. Although I did this time. Hey, right in the thorax!

Accountant: …so modern motorcycles are designed so that the seats slope downward. It causes wedgies. So I’m thinking of not wearing panties anymore.

Accountant: The only thing you can do is stick your hand down your pants, but when you pull it out, the glove always stays.

Accountant: I was dressed like a bad-ass. You know, do-rag, sunglasses. I have to intimidate the people around me for my own safety.

Accountant: We had a janitor named Earl. He was a functional alcoholic.

Accountant: My wife and daughter are planning on having me committed so they can spend my inheritance.

Accountant: I wrote a little ditty: “They can’t clean your clock when your glock is unlocked.”

Accountant: Kadhafi: He was a good-looking guy at one point. Until Reagan blew the shit out of his country…it kind of aged him.

Accountant: Soon I’ll control the whole market for rubber bands

Accountant: If I could, I’d wear a dot on my head. I think I’d go for red.

Accountant: You know, children are like dogs.

Accountant: Tell the insurance guy that your husband smokes a lot of dope so you were just checking on it.

Accountant: Blacks can use the N word, Germans can use the K word.

Accountant: Do rubber duckies have something to do with gay people? I stayed at this great hotel in San Francisco once; it was a total sex hotel. They had a Night of Pleasure kit that came with three rubber duckies.

Accountant: If you’re hanging out with people from Nigeria, watch out. People from that country will steal your purse. Where do you think all those spam emails come from?

Accountant: If it’s due, you must accrue.

Accountant: That’s my “inquiring minds want to know” sound. I learned it on the Discovery Channel show When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.

Accountant: My ass hurts so bad, oh my God.

Accountant: When I smell roadkill, I slow down. It’s a rush.

Accountant: No no no, I just took her to the beach, there was no adultery involved. There could have been, but I’m a principled guy.

Accountant: I love this stuff. I put it in the CD changer in my Caddy and park by the lake and turn it way up. It makes me want to drive really fast. Especially the German stuff. It makes me think of murder.

Stolen from Overheard in the Office.