I believe that the tradition of letting women exit elevators first was fostered so that we can look at their butts.

I believe that there is a physiological explanation for unconditional parental love; that there is some secretion of endorphins, some direct stimulation of the pleasure center of the brain, which occurs when we look at our children. Otherwise we would kill them and eat them.

I believe that while your cat loves you enough to kill for you, your dog loves you enough to die for you.

I believe that a Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato is the greatest sandwich ever constructed. Except for possibly peanut butter and grape jelly.

I believe you should never laugh at a child’s dreams. It’s far more satisfying to mock them sarcastically.

I believe the most appropriate response to the statement “Honey, we need to talk” is to leave immediately, and not stop running until you have a beer in your hand.

I believe that you never really comprehend what breasts are for until you watch your child nurse.

I believe that no one, anywhere, really enjoys running.

I believe that homo sapiens is continuing to evolve. I just don’t like where it’s headed.

I believe that your average tree is a better companion than your average human being.

I believe in cynicism, because a cynic is always pleasantly surprised.

I believe you should respect any skill that you don’t yourself possess, whether it’s bricklaying, tap-dancing, or oil painting.

I believe that funding quality education for our children is a damn sight cheaper than the alternative, over the long run.